When I get hurt

Sometimes when you are hurt, its easy to get angry. You might feel a confrontation or lashing out at the other party is best. Hold your horses, for it is not.

My Wall Street Journal

I will spend yet again my winter holidays back home. In late January, I will also once again board a flight to New York to chase my dreams. Although I have no meetings or interviews lined up, I pray they do pop up along the way to further justify my trip. My hopes are that I move to New York after graduation to start my career. I must also utilize the chance to network and make more contacts in the city. In any case, I was pretty set on the trip, regardless of occasion. Since I was going to be there, it would be convenient also to also see a special person I met over the summer. And, based on circumstances that the stars will dictate, decide if this person should stay in my life or be relinquished to be a figment of my memory.

I can hardly quantify this, but every moment spent in New York feels like I am one step closer to realizing my dreams. The city assures me that the life I wanted so badly is somewhere ahead, only waiting for me to sail there, however telling me the obstacles I have to jump past. I hope this would be the last time I would need to whore my initiative skills in getting a job, although I suspect my initiative skills are already the sails of my ship for life. I did the same thing over the last summer in New York and two summers ago in San Francisco, flying to a place and not knowing if I'll find a job and staying. Though my prospects were better in New York last summer, the first couple of weeks were punctuated by doubt and instability.

The fire that fuels my ambition never seems to die. I was one of a few girls who wanted a career so badly. Only as an intern at a Wall Street brokerage doing non-critical type work over the summer, I imagined myself as real successful Wall Street analyst. I was often happy as I walked, unknowing smiling, and sometimes entertaining strangers who returned the favor by complimenting my smiles. In any case I also wondered how I would change, if became the woman that I wanted to be, did the work I wanted and rubbed shoulders with the right people. Would I be complaining of the work and stress I had to face? Would I still be happy? And the question is, would I still walk outside the stock exchange with a smile on a my face?

who is my CEO?

I was really surprised. But I do not think this was because I was sick.

I attended a golf focus group for women in Orange County. Most of the players were high powered women who were at beginner levels of golf. There were 3 Goldman Sachs financiers, one of whom had left to be a partner at a smaller firm. Many others were also in finance, some were successful entrepreneurs, and a couple of others were CEOs. These were all very powerful women, talking golf lessons, and there was me. Me, the oddball novice still in college struggling with bad grades and and self-esteem issues. Should I feel lucky to be there?

So you and I are going to think-Isn't this what I was hoping for all my life, Miss wanna-be power CEO? To rub shoulders with these people and be one of them, and play golf too? How sweet!

I felt no elation, not to say I didn't enjoy my time with them. There were no jubilant moments of "YES" in my head, no compelling urge to schmooze aggressively with them. I did talk to some at different points. But was prevented from doing so by throat, which made it hard to talk.

If jealously points toward what i ought to be doing, I certainly felt none of that. So much for being Miss wanna-be CEO ever since I could remember.