Homecoming

Date of Arrival: 15 Aug 2008

This is (was) my homecoming date. The event saw many shed tears and hugs. The tailgate to the event took place in Gotham City and celebrated endeavors to the spirit of hard work, dreams and ambition, even the sin of hedonism. Stars at their zenith were no longer present, replaced by the crashing of meteorites and passing of comets. The plane ride of farewell into the sunrise back East signaled an unplanned birth of anxiety, anguish, and pain.

There were no balloons or a marching band to grace the event, there wasn't even a reception. You see I didn't want a coming home.

My New York Times

After completing my first life goal of going to college in an American University I am about to embark on my second

I will be moving to live and work in New York this week.

Honesty

If you search for tenderness
It isn't hard to find
You can have the love you need to live
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

I can always find someone
To say they sympathize
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve
But I don't want some pretty face
To tell me pretty lies
All I want is someone to believe


I can find a lover
I can find a friend
I can have security
Until the bitter end
Anyone can comfort me
With promises again
I know, I know
When I'm deep inside of me
Don't be too concerned
I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
Tell me where else can I turn
Because you're the one that I depend upon

Billy Joel-Honesty

Isn't this what I need most at this time. The sugar-coating needs to stop. Please, its not about the love that goes around. Its not the heart. Its your actions

Its all about the choices we make.

The Celebration of the the Virgin Vaginas-Why I didn't make a mistake

I had an epiphany the other day.

I tried to recall a list of a my closet girl friends and (gasp) realised that all of them were virgins. And i really mean that they are, unless of course they were telling broken facts of their hymen .

In this day and age when virginity is getting less prized and less common amongst women. I find it imperative to come up with good reasons for retaining virginity till marriage. Even putting the calls of Christianity aside, where the body is a temple, I find reasons ranging from the shrewd to the whimsical. Of course one could see it from a rebuttal standpoint but its not my intention.

Beyond the personal, there should be practical concerns. Beware these are the boring reasons such as contraction of STDs, unwanted pregnancies, etc, etc. I count violation of the female temple as a reason. If I have nothing to gain from a man, why should I lose anything to him. I once told a male friend this answer and he responded with "Why don't you think that sexual gratification warrants the lost of virginity".

Gratification my dear, is best when delayed.

And then of course I would also need to give you a background of why I thought this way. I had a boyfriend when I was 16, he came from an all boy Methodist school and I went to an all girl Catholic Convent. Fortunately for me he wasn't that all horny(or at least didn't appear to be), so I skipped the potential misfortune of losing my virginity. After that I never seriously dated anyone nor dated anyone who successfully persuaded me to open up(no pun intended). I even once told a date that he wasn't worth losing anything to(ouch). Besides dating him was not going to take me any further in every sense of the word.

And thanks to that specific episode, my general philosophy now is that if you don't gain anything, you don't lose anything.

I always speculate what my life would be like as a non-married virgin. Since I have nothing to lose, what is there to stop me from getting more fun. Perhaps I could have one-night stands, throw orgy parties, do girl on girl, swing. Wouldn't that be fun? I could make love, have sex, or heck FUCK, depending my taste that day(no pun intended). But I am glad I am still intact.

My virginity prevents me from being a total slut.

I am the type of person who does not know what to buy for gifts, and lazy for that matter too. I am lost at what to get my future husband.

The lost of virginity to a person is a gift in itself .

I don't know what the statistics are on virgins but most people do know that less women hold on to their virginity. Which effectively means that that virginity before marriage is less common now, and becoming rare if so I must say. Something rare is less in supply. In economics if supply goes down, the value of the commodity goes up.

Virginity is a commodity that ups your market value.

Do you need any more convincing?

Crush

Butterflies in the stomachs, irregular systoles and diastoles, the transitions of color on your cheeks. Then suddenly the air stills, and pregnants itself with the meaning from your thoughts. Even you realise that his speech starts to tangent from regular rhythm and pauses ever so slightly to turn a cheek in your direction. You are confronted with the perplexity of illusion and intuition, but rational sways your decision. Slowly innocuous gestures gain the capability to transform into acute signals. This is what it means to be faced by the intrigue of attraction.

When I get hurt

Sometimes when you are hurt, its easy to get angry. You might feel a confrontation or lashing out at the other party is best. Hold your horses, for it is not.

My Wall Street Journal

I will spend yet again my winter holidays back home. In late January, I will also once again board a flight to New York to chase my dreams. Although I have no meetings or interviews lined up, I pray they do pop up along the way to further justify my trip. My hopes are that I move to New York after graduation to start my career. I must also utilize the chance to network and make more contacts in the city. In any case, I was pretty set on the trip, regardless of occasion. Since I was going to be there, it would be convenient also to also see a special person I met over the summer. And, based on circumstances that the stars will dictate, decide if this person should stay in my life or be relinquished to be a figment of my memory.

I can hardly quantify this, but every moment spent in New York feels like I am one step closer to realizing my dreams. The city assures me that the life I wanted so badly is somewhere ahead, only waiting for me to sail there, however telling me the obstacles I have to jump past. I hope this would be the last time I would need to whore my initiative skills in getting a job, although I suspect my initiative skills are already the sails of my ship for life. I did the same thing over the last summer in New York and two summers ago in San Francisco, flying to a place and not knowing if I'll find a job and staying. Though my prospects were better in New York last summer, the first couple of weeks were punctuated by doubt and instability.

The fire that fuels my ambition never seems to die. I was one of a few girls who wanted a career so badly. Only as an intern at a Wall Street brokerage doing non-critical type work over the summer, I imagined myself as real successful Wall Street analyst. I was often happy as I walked, unknowing smiling, and sometimes entertaining strangers who returned the favor by complimenting my smiles. In any case I also wondered how I would change, if became the woman that I wanted to be, did the work I wanted and rubbed shoulders with the right people. Would I be complaining of the work and stress I had to face? Would I still be happy? And the question is, would I still walk outside the stock exchange with a smile on a my face?

who is my CEO?

I was really surprised. But I do not think this was because I was sick.

I attended a golf focus group for women in Orange County. Most of the players were high powered women who were at beginner levels of golf. There were 3 Goldman Sachs financiers, one of whom had left to be a partner at a smaller firm. Many others were also in finance, some were successful entrepreneurs, and a couple of others were CEOs. These were all very powerful women, talking golf lessons, and there was me. Me, the oddball novice still in college struggling with bad grades and and self-esteem issues. Should I feel lucky to be there?

So you and I are going to think-Isn't this what I was hoping for all my life, Miss wanna-be power CEO? To rub shoulders with these people and be one of them, and play golf too? How sweet!

I felt no elation, not to say I didn't enjoy my time with them. There were no jubilant moments of "YES" in my head, no compelling urge to schmooze aggressively with them. I did talk to some at different points. But was prevented from doing so by throat, which made it hard to talk.

If jealously points toward what i ought to be doing, I certainly felt none of that. So much for being Miss wanna-be CEO ever since I could remember.

Dear Reader

If you have read multiple entries in this blog, you might be able decipher certain themes that run through my concerns. I admit that perhaps these are the things that capture my attention, some of them are paramount needs, some might be ancillary distractions. However I suspect many of these distractions underscore even bigger needs if you view it in abstraction, and these are the meanings behind reality. Writing in a different voice or another persona may be seen as some as whimsical and serving no practical purpose, but these eyes that do so only view life and circumstances superficially on the surface. They most likely overlook myself as a whole individual that operates kaleidescopically.

If you have concerns that relate to the questionable nature of my decisions and intentions, this is not any cause for alarm. Even if they demonstrate themselves to be irrational, these are rationally pre-empted, which could say something about my personality. I assure you that every single step is calculated and prepared for. Every move to a dangerous trench in battle is planned but anticipated. In war, victory is not remembered by the journey took but the final step.

Sheep's Clothing

My favorite shade of dressing is black but I forced myself to turn to white. These white clothes of mine are a hassle. Not only do I have to look nice in them but I can't seem to have fun in them. Unlike black clothes when the lack of support was not visible, white clothes reveal what you lack. And no matter how careful I am, the clean look of it ends up with stains. Stains are never a problem with black clothes, they exist but no one can see them, now
each additional product from an agent is a painful scrutiny, it makes me tired to hide them or wash them away. The stains keep on coming back at the same spots, wash after wash.

The spots used to be products of chance and accidents, but increasingly I have been a culprit to taint them myself.

I am not permitted to spill anything, but I like it and know its very fun. The very problem is, that people can see what went on it and critique at it. I miss the anonymity of black where no one would know what I did to it or where I went.

Now the whites are too delicate to withstand the next bleach, perhaps I should switch to black instead. These white clothes might not even belong to me. I own a another black dress somewhere.

Who is talking now

Missy for the first time you allowed me the chance to be uncovered. When you met Mr the other night, and he held your hand, I felt for the first time that my systoles and diastoles stopped momentarily. Please let me tell you that this condition has never occurred to me. I know that my twin, who works on the basis of logic and critical reasoning, has been telling you to withdraw from Mr at all costs. She has hurt Mr and told you execute actions that are at the expense of my happiness. Missy, you pay more attention to her than me. In fact you constantly ignore me. I understand that my twin might give advice to you similar to that of most people, which is probably why you listen to her, and turn away from Mr. But look, who is to tell you how to love and live other than yourself. So Missy, please, do give me a chance to lead the way for you, for once. Tear down the armor that you dress me with. Let me appear naked in front of Mr, and maybe for once, he might show me what you and I have been missing out on.

The Office

He is not the type of person who strikes you as handsome or cute. But his charisma grows with you. He does not have the luck of the Gods, but still exudes that special power. He is not the kind who resonates a sexy voice, in fact he sounds like Donald Duck. He is not someone who you can converse in endless banter with you., but you think thats because you don't know him enough. He refrains from the game of flirtation, yet you catch him stealing glances at you.

But beware, no one is to get laid where they get paid.

The Natural Mask

Its not that i am not being honest. Its not that i have the intention to deceive or contrive. Neither am I trying to be an imposter. I am not interested in you or what you need to say, especially if you say I am not real.

All I want, is to just be me.

Summer 2007

Summer Love

Ridin' in the drop top with the top down
Saw you switchin' lanes girl
Pull up to the red light, lookin' right
Come here, let me get your name girl
Tell me where you from, what you do, what you like
Let me pick your brain girl
And tell me how they got that pretty little face on that pretty little frame girl
But let me show you 'round, let me take you out
Bet you we could we could have some fun girl
'Cause we can do it fast (fast), slow, whichever way you wanna run girl
But let me buy you drinks, better yet rings
Do it how you want it done girl
And who would've thought that you could be the one 'cause I

I can't wait to fall in love with you
You can't wait to fall in love with me
This just can't be summer love, you'll see
This just can't be summer love (L-O-V-E)

Come on and lemme show you 'round
Let me take you out, bet you we could have some fun girl
'Cause we can dress it up, we can dress it down
Any way you want it done girl
Or we can stay home, talkin' on the phone
Rappin' 'til we see the sun girl
Do what I gotta do, just gotta show you that I'm the one girl
Well I'mma freak you right, each and every night
I know how to do it insane girl
[ Summer Love lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
'Cause I can make it hot, make it stop
Make you wanna say my name girl
Come on baby please 'cause I'm on my knees
Can't get you off my brain girl
But who would've thought that you could be the one 'cause I

I can't wait to fall in love with you
You can't wait to fall in love with me
This just can't be summer love, you'll see
This just can't be summer love (L-O-V-E)
'Cause I can't wait to fall in love with you
You can't wait to fall in love with me
This just can't be summer love, you'll see
This just can't be summer love (L-O-V-E)

The summer's over for the both of us
But that doesn't mean we should give up on love
You're the one I've been thinking of
And I knew the day I met you you'd be the one

I can't wait to fall in love with you
You can't wait to fall in love with me
This just can't be summer love, you'll see
This just can't be summer love (L-O-V-E)
'Cause I can't wait to fall in love with you
You can't wait to fall in love with me
This just can't be summer love, you'll see
This just can't be summer love (L-O-V-E)

Summer Love~Justin Timberlake.

Summer of 69'

I got my first real six-string
Bought it at the five-and-dime
Played 'til my fingers bled
It was summer of '69

Me and some guys from school
Had a Band and we tried real hard
Jimmy quit and Jody got married
I shualda known we'd never get far

Oh when I lock back now
That was seems to last forever
And if I had the choice
Ya - I'd always wanna be there
Those were the best days of my life


Ain't no use in complainin'
When you got a job to do
Spent my evenin's down at the drive in
And that's when I met you

Standin on a mama's porch
You told me that you'd wait forever
Oh and when you held my hand
I knew that it was no or never
Those were the best days of my life


Man we were killin' time
We were young and restless
We needed to unwind
I guess nothin' can last forever, no

And now the times are changin'
Look at everything that's come and gone
Somethimes when I play that old six-string
I think about ya wonder what went wrong

Standin' on a mama's porch
You told me it would last forever
Oh the way you held my hand
I knew that it was now or never
Those were the best days of my life

~Bryan Adams - Summer Of '69

Pandora's Box-The Finale

The Pandora's Box which i briefly acquired this year, sadly, has been taken away from me. It might have been my own undoing-till today I am not entirely sure. There is a suspicion that I neglected it and left it alone too often, I might not have been the best owner for it. Perhaps I should have fought and battled it out to keep it, but I know that other things are waiting in line.

My Voice

What sweetness can something bring without adding sugar
What clarity can be seen in a jumbled mix
What distinction can be recognised by being in the crowd.
What novelty can be appreciated in homogeneousness
What good is a sound without an accent

Destiny

When was a little girl, I had a dream.

In my dream I saw a bridge over a city skyline in the night. I was with a man that I was in a relationship with. He drove me in a car to the sight. It was meant to be more than a breathtaking sight. I had understood that either the start or end of this relationship was the beginning of something greater. I never knew the significance of the bridge but it was supposed to be the pivotal point in my life. After this day, all my wildest dreams and fantasies, good or bad would unravel with a life of their own. I kept thinking that this would happen around the time I was 26 or 27.

This dream was a prosphecy. It happened last night, on Monday, June 11th, 2007. I was 21.

All the world's a stage

All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players

William Shakespeare - All the world's a stage (from As You Like It 2/7)

With love that trampled on the ground
An actress needs eyes best to look ahead
All that glitters might be gold onstage

Almost Famous

I was walking along the street when I overheard an interesting conversation on palmistry between 2 young men whom I assumed to be students of the Fashion Institute of Technology in New York. They were talking about the lines on the palm which indicated and corresponded with the fate of becoming famous. From their actions, I estimated that those lines had to be around the pinkie or ring finger. A chasm of recollection then follows, but I remember showing them my palm briefly, in which they attempted to look for the lines which may indicate a fate of celebrity. They looked at it then suddenly said to me, " you might become famous".

It does not matter whether I believed in these 2 young men. More importantly, it did me the function of reminding me of my purpose-in life, where I am and what I am supposed to do at this moment. Each situation I face is either a joy or trial-often some are pre-mediated and part of a self-fufilling prophesy. It lifts my spirits and encourages me to know that I never set up any circuits of circumstances in vain.

Far and Away

Its been nearly a year and I still think of him. While I am greatly looking forward to meeting this person over the summer a few thoughts still exist in my mind.

Are what I dream and fantasize about going to materialise?
Is the situation going to be reversed?
Will it be met by a catatrophe?
Or worse, the whole plethora of passions are going to evaporate into a cloud of platonic smoke?

Dear me dear me dear me

Like a moth to a flame

My wings fly to the light
Then I saw the flames that blazed
I was going to the fire


I felt the blaze of fire
I was in the fire

I was playing with fire

Go Away

So you think no one is going to take me in or look at me? You look down on me and think I am the naive one.

HA!! Look who is talking here, the one making things difficult for me.

I think you will be pleasantly surprised by my abilities.

Go away and I don't care how much you mean well.

Pandora's Box.....continued

Y0u might have remembered a few entries with regard to a particular Pandora's Box that I was so eager to receive. I have since become the owner of it, but I am now learning the lesson that owning a Pandora's Box requires much effort. A Pandora Box only spills out what it think you are worthy of having, which means that you should place very carefully certain things you want to grow inside the box. This might reiterate the commom saying of "you reap what you sow". However this Pandora's Box might also be constantly telling me what I lack in my life, which is the whole point of it in the first place. The only difference is that this Pandora's Box does not give, it only teaches. It does not give me the fish I want, it tells me how to fish.

2020

About the time when I was 15 in 2001, I fell in love with a boy who would later become one of my biggest public critics in business and economics. He had all the qualities in a man I was a sucker for- intense drive and ambition, self-discipline, and apparent lack of emotion. And so these qualities became the benchmark for what I looked for in a man.

Its now 2020 and 18 years since we broke up. He still today embodies those qualities, and though we became estranged after the breakup, I continued to admire his strength of tenacity and drive to his ambitions. In high school, college and beyond, I often wondered how my relationship with him would have materialized if we kissed and made up. Perhaps I never got over him, maybe I could have been in part felt guilty for the humiliating way I broke the relationship or it might the way he avoided me in all fashion possible-creating a mechanism where I wanted to contact him even more.

Strangely I always thought he would be in life one way or another when I grew older. In 2001 I remembered we watched together the movie Bridget Jones Diary where Bridget was all lonely and single at 33. I pointed out that it would be me in the future and he replied that he would still be around. Of course, keep in view that at that time, he was still trying to woo my heart. But I now look back and think how ironically things turned out.

I still feel the tension in the air every time I see him. Though the raw feelings of anger, bitterness and jealousy are gone, residues of those have come to characterise our meetings with each other. In press conference rooms bursting with reporters trying to get hold of our polar opposite opinions or us hurling insults at each others views, I start to wonder if he is still the same person deep down inside-him constantly relentless in the quest for greener grasses and greater things. I wonder he might actually retain that affection for me he never ever wants to admit. Or, under the impressive belt of accomplishments and tough exteriors of his seemingly emotionless demeanors, he is still fundamentally the boy I met on June 12th, 2001 at the YMCA building in Singapore.

The Man I want to be

I tell this with an eager but heavy heart. Once upon a time from afar out in the fields I was madly in love with a young woman. I grew rice crops and sold them for a living with my father, sometimes we had little, other times we had none. I was a farmer boy and she, the baron's daughter, with more than ever to spare. I dream everyday of owning the lands that the fields spread upon with my hard earned work, blood, sweat and tears.

A beautiful girl of kind soul, intelligent wit but a shrewd heart. I pursued her out of admiration, infatuation and attraction. Alas, she turned me down and broke my heart. She told me that time will make a better man out of me, and parted me goodbye as she walked into the dusk away from the fields.

But I know that the young woman whom I love is going to marry a Prince from another land. I cannot judge her for the choice she makes today. I am only a farmer's son. How can I ever possibly, compare to be like her Prince, so I might hold the standard as her suitor. But I tell myself that the day will eventually come, the day of gold harvest and sunshine blessings will be reaped from my hands. I will conquear all the lands that the Prince today calls his land. What toil I on will eventually be mine, and maybe then, she will regret marrying the Prince. But maybe when that day comes, I hope she won't be the one I love to be waiting for me.

Being Happy

What does being happy mean?

Getting an A on the statistics final that you slogged all month for?
The diploma that you received from that Ivy League school?
The investment banking job on Wall Street you got?
Getting your 6 figure paycheck?

Your crush who finally agreed to go out on a date with you?
The sexual gratification that came with making love?
The joy of seeing your childhood friend again after a long time?
Spending time with your family and friends?

Eating ice-cream?
Eating sashimi at an expensive Japanese restaurant?
The retail therapy you got while shopping on Rodeo Drive?
Losing 15 pounds after a month at the gym?

Tell me what makes you happy.

It never ends

A few years ago when I was in school I often thought about how wonderful going to college in America would be.

I would be putting my brilliant mind to work while studying, stimulating my mental faculties, socialising with good looking people, having a good time with those people, having the freedom of being spared from the mercy of parental control, or even perhaps exploring love. I could drive my own car, go home as late as I like, learn all the things that interest me, make friends with whomever I chose to without judgment. I would be having such a great time, and all the time. In addition the thought of going to a renowned private institution sounded so glamorous.

But life is not always a bed of roses.

What if you discover that really, your mind isn't as brilliant that you thought it was. The disgust of your own mind fills you as you realise that you are no more intelligent than people of the lowest common denominator, which you always despised. You realise that you do not really like the people you meet as you lack commonality with them. You think that learning would make to salvage the situation, but alas, your parents force you to major in something you dislike.

So you find solace in going out. But wait, driving is a potential danger on the road and huge hassle to be dealt with. You thought coming home as late as you wanted was great until you found out that there were night muggings constantly. You live in fear of your surroundings.

You wished you never left home at all.

Then now you wished you had a nice, glamorous job in a big city, where transportation will not be a problem. Where you can make all the money you like and spend it.

When realities of grey skies overcast your like, thoughts of fantasy can only mollify your spirits.

So the cycle begins, and when will it ever end.

Simple Envy

How I envy you
And all that you don't have
The plain austere
From your exterior
To the interiors of your mind

Your spartan dwellings beam a beauty
My home tries expensively to create
The simpleness of your thoughts
Give more meaning
Than the fire of my ambition

We enjoy the pleasures
Of sun, sea and sky
You step into them from your backyard
While I jet there from the city

The fruits of your toil nourish
While the greed of my corruption destroys

Your eyes escalate at my station
But I yearn to have your eyes
Unlike mine hostage to rimmed glass
You are free from myopia

The same disease that distorts the eye
Hurts my vision
Which makes me different from you

Getting over Mountains

Sometimes, as tall and daunting as the mountains are ahead of you, you stop using your ropes to climb over it. With a tired and halting breath, you start searching for tunnels and shortcuts that might take you over to your destination. At times, in the absense of options that will expedite your journey, you start creating your own. You need to find the gunpowder and an engineer that will help you blow up the rocks to create a passage way. It might be narrow, but through this you will get to the light at the end of the other side. Sounds ingenious doesn't it?

Hold on yet again.

What if you can't locate an engineer because you simply don't have the time or buy gunpowder because its illegal? Faced with the impasse, you have only 2 options- to retreat or continue your journey with the ropes you have.

Should you retreat, all your past labors will amount to nothing. Should you continue, you run the risk of falling and getting hurt, as well as the drain on energy and resources that you continue to acrrue with every step.

But remember that you are not the first who has done this. Many other brave men and women have surmounted the challenges that you have. If they have done it and made it over by telling themselves not to give up on their ropes, why should you either. It might help that you could check to see the tightness of your ropes, the precision of your footsteps and strategy of your advance. They could be faulty, and if so, make the necessary reactifications. Call the engineer not when you are tired, but only after you have really broke the rope, and hurt your ankle.

Its not just the mountain that your need to get over. There will be more ahead of it.

when you wished otherwise

when tears stream down
at the hardships you face
thoughts of laughter
flash back in your memories

when the paucity of acquisition
furnishes your space
wants of plenty
circulate in your fantasy

when the lack of control
takes over your days
the grasp of certainties ahead
occupy your brain

when idle ambition
floats your focus
the action plan of those
tussle at your mental strength

when realities of grey skies
run your life
dreams of sunny days
exist only in your mind